Family value orientation of Vietnamese people living in Vietnam and Poland

sell, earn money. When business is not successful, there may be conflicts. Cannot "fall when sister helps me up". Due to the environment, being too busy with business, forgetting about love.

- Besides the sibling relationship, there is another relationship in the family, the parent-child relationship. Do you notice that this relationship is different when living here?

- I think it depends on each family but in general it is the same, it cannot be different, it does not change. Siblings can be independent. The younger brother is different from the older sister but the parents and children are still the same.

- According to your estimate, what percentage of Vietnamese people have families in Vietnam but live with someone else as husband and wife in Poland?

- As I said above, society forces people to be like that, almost the majority. When you open your eyes, you see that this couple is not husband and wife, that couple is not husband and wife either.

Maybe you are interested!

Reason? People with fire and straw will eventually catch fire, far away from each other, husband and wife lack affection, help each other in business, support each other in work. Circumstances force it to be like that. But they are very troubled, pitying the wife and husband in Vietnam. Their conscience does not want it but it is forced. Except in cases where the husband and wife in Vietnam are in conflict with each other, for example, coming here is a different story.

- What do you do to maintain Vietnam's traditional culture?

- Although my child speaks Vietnamese very poorly. When he was born, I let him speak Polish first. When he went to school, he made friends who only spoke Polish.

She still keeps the house Vietnamese: Vietnamese decorations, Vietnamese food, Vietnamese guests...

10. Object 10

Male, job: cook. Age: 46. Time lived in Poland: 15 years.

Personal information: Sang BL in 2000, two years later his wife had an affair at home. Then Object 9g and his wife divorced. The grandparents raised two young children. Object 9, no children. After living together for 7 years, in early 2015, Object 9 and Madzda broke up. Currently Object 9 is living and working in Lodz city, Poland.

- Question: Please share with us, what are the 5 most important things in your life?

Answer: Family, health, economy, good relationships with people. The most important thing is family, nothing is more important.

- So please explain more clearly the meaning and role of family to you?

Answer: Family is above all. No matter where I am or what I do, I always think about my family. Even if I am disadvantaged or suffer, I still help my family to be happy and joyful. I am willing to sacrifice for my family.

- What made you go abroad?

Answer: First is for money, to go make money. Second is that when you are young, you also want to go explore, eager for a new horizon. First of all, everyone goes for money.

- When you go abroad, do you find that your family relationships are affected a lot? In your case, is your family in the country affected a lot?

Answer: It depends on the situation, each person is different. But most of the time, the family is not doing well anymore and many problems occur. Many things are beyond control. Like my family, after two years here, the wife and children had problems (the wife had an affair). Then the wife left and left the children with the grandparents. Then I was bored, couldn't do anything. After more than ten years, I got bored and didn't want to go back to the country anymore. At first, I planned to go for 4-5 years and then come back, but now time keeps passing by, now it's too late. I don't tell anyone, I don't talk to anyone. I can't confide in anyone.

- When going abroad, many people often live with another person as husband and wife even though they already have a wife/husband in Vietnam. Why do you think that is?

Answer: Because people lack affection. When people lack affection, the two sides meet each other easily, easily get along, easily come together. Share to rely on each other to live. Some people take advantage of the economy, take advantage of residence papers, but most of them lack affection. In addition, when going out, it is easy to be shaken, culturally isolated. Cultural and language differences make it impossible to confide in the locals, so when meeting Vietnamese people, empathy is also very fast, living together for a month or so.

- According to you, what percentage of Vietnamese people, even though they have families in Vietnam but live here, still have affairs and live with other people as husband and wife?

To be honest, that's almost all. If you don't have the chance, you have to accept it. It's not blameworthy. Sometimes you live here for a few years with someone else and then leave your lover and bring your wife/husband to live together normally. There are many people like that here in Lodz.

- Is the relationship between siblings of Vietnamese people living here different from when they were in Vietnam? How different?

Answer: I don't have any family (siblings) here so I don't know, I only know a few cases. There are also cases where brothers tell each other to do business, love each other. But mostly it's the influence of money, work and then really they don't support each other like in Vietnam anymore. Here it's rare but in Vac it's a lot. Sometimes brothers don't see each other for a whole year. Only when they are sick do they call each other.

- The parent-child relationship, here the parent-child relationship of Vietnamese people living here, do you find it much different from in Vietnam?

Answer: I think it's different. It seems that Vietnamese mothers here intentionally protect their children more. Many Vietnamese children here go to school alone, it's a different culture, many children see "black heads" and tease them, so their mothers love them and pay more attention to them. In Vietnam, teachers and friends are all Vietnamese, so I don't worry too much. Here, they are more attentive, even when it comes to studying. Most children are good at studying, more attentive and protect their children more because they are alone, often teased, younger children are often bullied. Over time, it becomes a habit to overprotect their children.

Our culture of raising children is different: Westerners focus on independence and respect for children's freedom. My daughter (daughter of a Polish wife) went to the store to buy a cake by herself. I didn't let her go. She had to be accompanied by her parents or closely supervised. When I asked her why she went alone, her wife said it wasn't that she didn't care about her, but that she trusted her. We don't trust our children and have to supervise them all the time. When they are in their teens, they still have to go to school to pick them up. Westerners can go by themselves at 6-7 years old. Each educational background is different like that.

- Another question I want to ask you is that Vietnamese-Polish couples often have problems or divorce. Why do you think that is?

The first difference is cultural. It is different from European culture, we are more family-oriented, often very deep and rarely express. Even if we break up tomorrow, today we still have to say “I love you very much, you love me very much, kiss…”. She has to show her feelings, we often hide them, don’t show them. From there, there are misunderstandings. Actually, I can love my wife but she says she doesn’t love me because she doesn’t compliment me on my beauty. That is a cultural difference.

Second, the two sides cannot look in the same direction. If a Vietnamese couple, no matter how hungry or full they are, still look in the same direction, they will return to Vietnam in the future. But here, one guy is always thinking about money or something, I will return. The other guy is determined to stay here, not return. When we first live together, it is okay. But the longer we live together, the more we see the differences in culture and perspective.

Third, the older people get, the more they want to return to their roots. So they get easily discouraged, and they often get angry over small things, leading to arguments. Many times when there is an argument, they say, "I'll go back to Vietnam." Once or twice, she thinks, "Let's leave as soon as possible, so she can marry someone else." Westerners love easily and leave easily, while we love hard but leave hard. Once we hold hands, we have to be responsible for each other for life. Westerners often still love and take care of each other, but when we make a living, we make a living. If we fail, she will leave. But in Vietnam, if a husband's business fails, even if he goes begging, she will still support him. If the economy breaks down, the family will sooner or later break up. There is a lot of pressure on money.

- What do you usually do to keep the house in order in this life in Poland?

It is more difficult for a foreign wife. But I can do things like teach her a little Vietnamese. How to eat and greet. Sometimes on holidays and Tet, I want to burn incense but she doesn't agree, she says it will blacken the house's walls. This is not my house, it is a rented house and the landlord won't let me do it. I have to accept it. I can only teach my wife and children what I can. For example, after eating at someone's house, the woman has to clean up the things.

- Do you see much difference in the preference for boys? And yourself, do you like having a son?

I also want to have a son. Westerners may or may not like it. I still want a son. Westerners depend on each person. My wife wants sons because her father has only daughters. My parents keep forcing me to return to Vietnam because they want me to have another son.

- Are you planning to go back to Vietnam?

Maybe 5 or 10 years from now. When you are tired, come back. Just take care of your two daughters in Vietnam to finish their studies. I have been in Vietnam since 2000 and have not returned to Vietnam. My mother just came to visit recently.

Thanks for your concern. I'll ask you later!

11. Object 11.

- Reporter: Please tell us what are the 5 most important things in life to you? TL: Family, to me family is the most important. Career, health, friends.

- Reporter: What do you think about the role and meaning of family? TL: Family is my life.

- Reporter: Why did your husband come to Vietnam?

TL: Went to BL to study, studied Vietnamese. Met Dung and got married.

- PV: Do you intend to live in BL? TL: (Tomasz) probably not.

PV: Why do you intend to live long term in Vietnam?

TL: Actually, we find Hanoi more suitable. Especially for me, it was harder for me to adapt to life in BL. Tomasz adapted better than me.

- Reporter: Do you accept the trend of sexual relations not based on marriage?

TL: If they love each other, it's OK. But if they are married, they absolutely cannot have sex with someone other than their spouse.

PV: For those who live far from their families and work abroad and have to endure emotional deprivation, do you think that is reasonable?

TL: Not reasonable. Because for me family is the most important, I do not accept living with someone else as husband and wife even if it is abroad. It is like cheating or being unfaithful.

- Reporter: What do you think about the need for Vietnamese people to have sons?

TL: That's ingrained in the old mentality. People who are a little older than me usually like boys. But at my age, my friends don't discriminate. What's important to us is raising children.

Do you intend to have another child? Do you want the second child to be a boy?

TL: Actually, I want both boys and girls, I don't just want a daughter, I also want to be a mother-in-law. I like both boys and girls but it doesn't necessarily have to be a son. Boys and girls are fine but having both boys and girls is even better.

What about Tomasz? Tomasz is not important, BL is not like VN.

- Reporter: Do you often contact the Vietnamese community in Poland?

TL: No. I only go there for one month every year so I often meet his friends. PV: Do you often keep in touch with these Vietnamese-Polish couples living in Hanoi?

TL: Very few. I only know the couple Nga. And another couple in Saigon. Macjec.

- Reporter: When living in Vietnam, did Tomasz notice that the relationship between parents and children was very different?

TL: Tomasz: it's the same, but in BL you're more independent. For example, after graduating you're independent from your parents.

PV: Do you plan to raise the baby in BL or VN style? TL: both.

- Reporter: Does Tomasz notice any differences in the relationship between siblings in the family in Vietnam and BL?

TL: same, but BL is a bit more independent. Basically the same, still helping each other.

- Reporter: In the family, when taking care of children, did Dung and Tomasz notice big cultural differences or cultural conflicts?

TL: My child is still young so the most important thing is to raise him well. We don’t know what will happen in the future. PV: So on occasions like New Year… is there much difference between the two of you?

TL: No, my husband feels very sacred. He understands that it is a very important occasion for me. Just as I understand that Christmas is important for Tomasz, we always make time for it, especially those two occasions.

- Reporter: Last question, Vietnamese-Polish couples often have problems and are not compatible with each other. Why do you think that is?

TL: First of all, it's thinking. Let me give you an example, from society that affects couples, in Vietnam there is often something called "under the table", in the past Tomasz did not accept that. It was very difficult to accept, but gradually he accepted it. Or Vietnamese people are curious, seeing a Vietnamese-Polish couple, people like to ask, I feel very annoyed, before he was uncomfortable, suddenly came to hug my child, but now he also understands because people love, people find it strange, that's it. Now he can adapt. In general, it's all a matter of social influence. Or sometimes the problem at home, for example, I have to feed the child, on time for example, but for Tomasz, the child can eat anything, as long as he is full. It's a little different, but gradually adapt to each other. Have to adapt. For example, when he likes to feed the child, he feeds him whatever, but I have to feed him three meals. I like to feed my children sausages but not every day. Sometimes my family also goes out to eat western food.

Thanks for the date today!

12. Object 12

Study and fall in love in Wroclaw.

Currently living with his wife and two children in Warsaw. Daughter born in 1986, son born in 1990.

Job: translator.

- What year did you go to Poland?

- I came to Poland in 1980 and will soon celebrate 35 years of living in Poland.

- How long have you been married?

- In 1982 I met and fell in love with my wife, in 1986 she gave birth to our child, at that time I was in my 5th year of study. That was Mexico 86, I had to take care of my child and write my thesis. After that, I stayed in Poland and had to work hard to earn money to pay for my tuition. I didn't get married until my daughter was 2 years old.

- Do you intend to return to Vietnam?

- At that time, I decided to get married and have children here. After paying back the embassy, I will continue to work hard to support my wife and children.

If there is a job in Vietnam, I am ready, but in Vietnam now, our generation cannot compare to the younger generation, so we have to try to stay here.

- In your family, do you use Vietnamese or Polish?

- When my child was little, I lived in the province, there were few Vietnamese people so we used Polish, so the children didn't know Vietnamese. I thought that they should learn whatever language they needed so I didn't force them to learn it. Sometimes they understood better when they used Polish so they just used it. Later, when my child grew up, she liked to learn Vietnamese so she studied Vietnamese by herself for a year in university and then came back to Vietnam to work for a while.

- In your family, how do you usually celebrate holidays?

- Our families also celebrate Tet together, such as banh chung, and celebrate traditional Tet... But they all use Polish. As far as I know, most of my friends use Polish. But language is only a part, there are many other issues that I have to talk to my wife and children about so that they understand that life in Vietnam is like that. For example, I have to explain to the wife that the wife in Vietnam needs to take care of her husband more. If in a Polish family, the wife might be cared for more, but in a Vietnamese family, the wife also has to take care of and pamper her husband more. In general, both sides have to adjust, each a little bit. If both sides completely have to force the other to change, many Vietnamese-Polish families will break up because of that. Vietnamese people think like Vietnamese people, Westerners think like Westerners.

I know many families where the husband is busy making money, the wife and children stay at home. When business is difficult, they will wonder why they have to keep trying to make money like that. Sometimes, when the grandparents from Vietnam come to visit and see their children working all day, while their Polish daughter-in-law is playing, they will be upset and will tell their children. Then the Vietnamese husband will feel frustrated and argue with his wife. The Polish wife will also feel frustrated, wondering why this Vietnamese husband only knows how to work all day, doesn't go out, doesn't take his wife for a walk, to the theater... like other Polish families. All day long he only knows how to make money... We have to accept half of the other person and also create conditions for them to accept half of us, then the best of Asian culture and the best of European culture can coexist.

- Yes, that is also what I want to find out and explain. Why do Vietnamese-Polish families often break up?

- That's right, cultural differences are really meaningful. People always think in one direction that they have to be like them, forcing others to be like them, but the two cultures are completely different, how can they force others to be like them. So we have to accept half of them, have to do something to make them respect us, accept changes to suit us. Only then will we be satisfied, otherwise, if we are forced to change to suit them, to live in the European style, we will feel very frustrated. We also have good points in Asian culture, but if we can't fit in anymore, we will find a way to break up. The important thing is that people can't find common ground to share with each other.

I know many families where parents and children don’t talk to each other much. I’m very comfortable, I often talk and share with each other, and we are also friends on FB. Asians want adults to talk to adults, children to talk to children, and children don’t want that either.

let adults know. So it's not good to keep secrets from each other. We have to be friends to talk to each other.

- Another problem, Vietnamese people here, even though they are married in Vietnam, still live as husband and wife with someone else here. Why do you think that is?

- I think it's because I don't have religious beliefs. When I first came here, I thought that people here would easily have affairs. But that's not the case. When couples love each other, they will always be faithful and respectful to each other. Vietnamese people often have affairs simply because they think about how to hide it, not letting anyone know, but they don't think like here, if the person you love also did the same, how would you feel? So Vietnamese people are not as faithful as Westerners. Of course, people can have many relationships, but once they become a couple, they try to keep it. Vietnamese people sometimes think that they will stay here for a while and then return, so they accept living together temporarily.

Sometimes Vietnamese people think that only we are emotional, Westerners are not emotional, that when children turn 18 they have nothing to do with their parents anymore… But that is not true, like our children still call their parents to come home on the weekend, eat, and go out together. Regarding economics and money, people here are clear; Vietnamese people are complicated about money.

- Is the relationship between Vietnamese siblings in Poland much different from that in Vietnam?

- As far as I know, people here also live in a Western style, economically independent. When Vietnamese people first come here, they may think that siblings help each other, give each other a few tens of thousands of dollars or something, at that time they consider it the responsibility of the senior. But gradually they will think that the money they earn is due to their own efforts, it is very difficult to earn, it is unreasonable to have to share with others. So they will form an independent lifestyle, each person spends their own money, it will be less complicated. In Poland, there will also be cases of disagreements between siblings related to economics, but the level is less, not to the point of hatred like us.

Thank you!

13. Subject 13 Gender: Male. Year of birth: 1969. Job: Cook.

Lives in: Lodz, Poland.

Nguyen used to live and work in the Federal Republic of Germany as an export laborer. After that, he moved to live and work in Poland.

Nguyen lived with his Polish wife for a short time. They had a child together. Then Nguyen and his Polish wife separated. Nguyen now lives with his Vietnamese wife. They have no children. Nguyen's current Vietnamese wife does not like him mentioning the child and family to his former Polish wife. Nguyen and his Vietnamese wife are now working as cooks in Lodz.

During our conversation, Nguyen did not agree to be recorded. We talked and exchanged quite comfortably with him and his wife.

Our conversation revolved around his thoughts on Vietnamese family life in Poland. Nguyen believes that Vietnamese people living in Poland often have affairs and live with others as husband and wife because they live abroad and lack affection. They have to rely on each other to live and to make a living. Nguyen estimates that the number of Vietnamese people living as husband and wife here is about 85%.

Regarding sibling relationships in the family. Nguyen believes that money has severed all sibling relationships. Because of money, siblings abandon each other, even hate each other. Nguyen underestimates such cases. Because according to him, besides the mother, siblings are the closest people. If you can't love your siblings, then loving others is useless.

Explaining the reason why Vietnamese-Polish couples often break up and cannot live together for long, Nguyen said that it comes from language, and then culture. For example, when coming home from work, a Vietnamese wife can cook for them, but a Western wife cooks whatever she likes. Language and culture make it difficult for people to share.

Regarding the parent-child relationship, his son is currently living with his Polish wife. His Vietnamese wife who is living with him now does not want to talk about this much. He also loves having a son.

In general, throughout the conversation, Nguyen and his Vietnamese wife were quite close and comfortable, but the relationship with his current Vietnamese wife made him not want to talk much about his Vietnamese-Polish child or his previous family.

14. Object 14

- Question: Please share with me what are the 5 most meaningful things to you?

Answer: The first is getting married, the second is having children, the third is buying a house, career and the fifth is not yet thought about. Parents, husband and children, in my life the most important thing is that.

- Question: What do you think about the meaning and role of family?

Answer: I think it's very important. It's number one. When I was young, I didn't think it was important. I told him (husband) if he wanted to come here (Vietnam), then come, if he didn't, then don't come, but now I'm ready to pack my bags and follow my husband wherever he goes. When I have children and a family, I want to sacrifice myself more for my family.

Question: So if your husband wants to return to BL now, will you probably return to BL to live? Answer: Definitely! Sell everything, move everything and leave.

- Do you accept the trend of having sex outside of marriage? Do you think it should be like that?

Answer: I totally support that. In fact, that appearance is not important. It is like eating and sleeping. If you are not compatible, why come together? You should also live together. When you are compatible in terms of family, personality, and sex, then get married.

For me, family relationships do not necessarily have to be based on marriage registration. We lived together for 3 years before getting married. That is already a family relationship.

- Interviewer: Actually, let me share with you more about students and young people there. I still see people living together before getting married.

- Exactly, the two of you get along well.

- Interviewer: So your lifestyle is also more European, not too heavy on your traditional style.

Right!

- Reporter: Some people say that when living and working abroad, the loyalty and attachment of Vietnamese couples is different. Do you agree with that point of view?

- Answer: To some extent, it actually depends on the situation. For example, in Vietnam, the impact of family is greater, women have to endure a lot. But when they don't get along, they free each other. In foreign countries, that mindset is very open, very good.

and new. When you are not compatible, then stop. Why keep each other and make it miserable? Abroad, people don't say this and that, in Vietnam, women have to endure more, more pressure but still have to try: husband beats, husband leaves husband to go with other women but still endure. It shouldn't be like that.

- Reporter: What do you think about the idea of having a son?

TL: I don't agree at all, every child is a child. Even in foreign countries, children can choose to take their mother's or father's last name.

Is your first child a boy or a girl? The first is a boy. The second one (who is pregnant) is a girl. Her father loves girls. But it doesn't matter, God gives it to him.

- Reporter: Do you find the relationship between parents and children different when abroad and when in Vietnam?

- TL: It's very different. It's completely different because the social environment is different, so parents there have to respect their children. For example, they can be violent with their children, they can call the police, but in Vietnam, that's not the case. Only when the violence is too much, the child is in too much pain, then people will intervene; in foreign countries, people will intervene just a little bit. It's completely different. When Vietnamese parents are abroad, their thinking is also different. The social lifestyle is different, they have to follow, they have to try to integrate into society. I think they will be more modern, let their children develop on their own instead of forcing them to obey like in Vietnam.

- Reporter: Another relationship of Vietnamese people when abroad is the relationship between siblings. Do you notice any changes in the relationship between siblings when abroad or is it still the same as in Vietnam?

- TL: I still feel it because the educational environment abroad is different, more independent, I think it will change more or less, meaning still helping but to make the brothers and sisters more independent instead of just sending money, just helping like in Vietnam.

- Reporter: Another phenomenon is that many Vietnamese people, when going abroad, even though they have families in Vietnam, still live with other people as husband and wife. What do you think about this?

TL: If my husband was like that, I wouldn't accept it. It's hard for a couple to be so far apart, as I said, sexual needs... In general, if we have to go far, we should try to go together.

PV: As you said, people who live far away still have the need to care for each other, have sex… and they can still have affairs and live with other people. Do you think this is acceptable and understandable?

TL: It depends on the woman. Maybe people still turn a blind eye. But for me, if she goes to BL and has an affair, I can't accept it. Other people accept that as their business, but I don't accept it.

- Reporter: When you go abroad, do you come into contact with many Vietnamese people abroad?

- TL: I don't think it's necessary to seek out Vietnamese people. There are many friends from other countries. I have enough friends in Vietnam, so it's not really necessary to go abroad. But if there are Vietnamese people who need help, I'm ready because they are my compatriots. But I don't think it's necessary to seek out and get to know them.

- Reporter: So you have more or less contact with Vietnamese people abroad, so in your opinion, what percentage of Vietnamese people abroad have affairs, have "extramarital" relationships. Do you think it is common?

TL: I don't think it's common. Firstly, it's hard for Asian men to date European women. Secondly, there aren't many people willing to date Asian women. People go there to work all day and don't have time to relax. So it's definitely less.

- Reporter: When interacting with Vietnamese people in BL, I see this phenomenon is quite common. What about in Denmark?